william p. bohlen
Thursday, May 29, 2003
RedEye, 5/23/03
By William P. Bohlen
A stellar reality television season has wrapped, and I'm here to close the scrapbook with the first annual Willy Awards for Reality Television (WART), so called because of my name and because several reality shows gave me the willies.
- Best Host: Paul, the butler from "Joe Millionaire." Swirling his brandy and insulting the dimwits, he guided Evan and us on a magical fairy tale.
- Most deserving winner: Jen Schefft (left) on "The Bachelor." Could there be a better ending than the one in which Andrew Firestone chose Chicago's Jen over superficial Kirsten?
- Least deserving winner: Jenna from "Survivor: Amazon." One of the self-described "pretty girls," Jenna alternately laid around camp and complained, yet won a lopsided 6-1 vote for the million.
- Best scene: It barely counts as this season, but Kelly Clarkson's choked-up, teary win on "American Idol" last September was a precious moment that still overshadows her new nose ring and pop album.
- Biggest train wreck: "Married by America." It began with a boring pageant but ended with a teary, trashy, "Springer"-like crash. Fragile bartender Billie Jeanne was ditched at the altar by used-car salesman Tony, leading to the most gut-wrenching crying scene in television history.
- Best show: "Joe Millionaire." It can be forgiven for its syrupy ending. For a few months, it was a must-see as dim bulb Evan Marriott whittled it down to Good (Zora) and Evil (Sarah). It had the pretense of fairy tale but didn't hesitate to wade into the gutter, and 40 million tuned in for the finale.
- Network of the year: Fox. Night after night, Fox aired something intriguing, be it a squirmy reality show, engrossing singing competition, intense drama or top sitcom.
- Best reason to watch television this summer: "The Amazing Race." As I've said before, this is the best reality show. It combines a lot of brains, a little brawn and fascinating backdrops for an intense race around the world. Season four takes over the 7 p.m. time slot from "Survivor" beginning Thursday on CBS.
RedEye, 5/22/03
RUBEN RULES, BUT...
Clay's not far behind as America chooses its newest 'Idol'
By William P. Bohlen
Last night, on "American Idol," America chose ...
We'll be right back.
We're back! Last night, by a razor-thin margin, America chose Ruben Studdard as the newest American Idol. Half of you cheered. The other half of you sighed, but were nonetheless happy for Ruben and his 205 legion.
See, you're either a Ruben person or a Clay person, but you appreciate the other and hate neither. America agreed. Out of 24 million votes, 50.28 percent picked Ruben, and 49.72 percent chose Clay. They were separated by just 130,000 votes, show organizers said.
It was a triumph of, as Paula Abdul has called him, the "velvet teddy bear" over the goofy lounge singer, possibly the whitest white man in the world.
It seems silly to mention Clay's whiteness, but the two finalists, who appeared to get along well, couldn't have been more opposite. Ruben is the Barry White slow jam, Clay the Barry Manilow balladeer. Ruben the sexy seducer, Clay the Vegas crooner. It's reassuring that America was equally open to both styles, but ultimately chose the proper singer for the current pop music climate.
Ruben has coasted on his sultry voice and infectious demeanor. Thankfully, he's abandoned the oversized 205 jerseys for tailored suits.
Clay has also improved, although his voice has always shone. Judge Simon Cowell's constant prodding has gotten him to rethink his image from laughingly nerdy to endearingly dorky, with his studied moves and polished diction. I may offend Clay Nation here, but he's upgraded his voice to Engelbert Humperdink lite; I know, I didn't think it was possible, either.
Simon is right. Clay's a great singer, but he belongs on Broadway. He'd be a shoo-in for Peter Pan, what with his elfin face and boy-who-never-grew-up demeanor.
No matter what, both of their futures looked rosy last night.
"You're both my dawgs," said judge Randy Jackson just before the announcement. It sounds like a parody, but he actually said that. "Sunshine, rainbows and puppy dogs," Paula said. Actually, she didn't say that, but would it have surprised anyone if she had?
Typically, the producers spent two hours relentlessly prodding our impressionable spending habits with ads, more ads and programming that reminded us of ads. Then again, it was hardly surprising.
It's been de rigueur for the show, from the silly Ford ads each week to last night's "Up With People" song medley that could have been a Gap commercial.
Perhaps the most disturbing sight last night was an open-mouthed kiss between Simon and Paula in a taped "dream sequence" bit that was as predictable as Simon is British.
First season winner Kelly Clarkson showed up both of this year's finalists and reminded us how this show became so popular in the first place.
Thursday, May 22, 2003
RedEye, 5/19/03
Jen's the one! Wasn't it obvious?
By William P. Bohlen
For all the other episodes, it appeared like "The Bachelor" was one seasonlong commercial for Firestone wine. But last night, Andrew showed he was telling the truth when he originally said he was looking for a wife.
On the finale, he picked Chicago's lovely Jen, the clear long-term match, over Kirsten, the smirky sexpot. As a friend put it, cute won this battle in the age-old war between "hot" and "cute."
The proposal was genuinely heartwarming. "Jen, coming into this, I really wanted to find someone special," Andrew said. "I'm excited because, Jen, I love you."
"I love you, too," a beaming Jen quickly replied.
Andrew got on one knee, popped the four-word question, and Jen said yes.
The cynical thing would be to dismiss this as another reality TV romance destined for failure. (In fact, if we hadn't grown used to Andrew's perpetual left-eye wink, we'd think that was the wiggle room he needs if they part within a few months.) And while it was television--and gripping television at that--they were happy in that moment, and even the most hard-hearted cynic couldn't suppress a smile.
Andrew wasn't the only one who fell in love with Jen. She's clearly been an audience favorite. If she loves Andrew, who vacillates between charming and bland, then we're glad for her.
In the first half of "the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!" Andrew broke money-grubbing Kirsten's heart. "I've fallen in love with Jen," he told her, and she didn't stay around for long.
In the limo, a crushed Kirsten showed exactly how much class she lacked. "I'm really just so sick thinking about him and Jen," she said. "Now he's proposing to Jen, and it makes me want to throw up."
The two-hour show kicked off with both "ladies" visiting the family's vineyard/homestead in California's Santa Ynez Valley. It was a glimpse of the good life for Jen and Kirsten. With the exception of feeding the Firestone animals, city girl Jen fit right in with his family. "She made the party work," said Brooks Firestone, Andrew's dad.
Kirsten's visit left Andrew's sisters unimpressed. With the diction of a Valley Girl, she answered their questions with vacuous declarations of her affection for Andrew and her vague plans for the future. "Where does the substance beyond this beauty lie?" asked Hayley, Andrew's sister.
Andrew's brother Adam confronted Kirsten about her ex-boyfriend, with whom, it was revealed, she never officially broke up. Kirsten also mentioned the family's money, which seemed gauche while meeting her potential in-laws. Despite the obvious foreshadowing, she seemed confident this was her future. "I don't think Jen could live here," a catty Kirsten said. "She doesn't like animals."
Except for Adam's reservations about Kirsten, the family told Andrew they liked both women, but it was clear they preferred Jen.
For their final dates, Jen and Kirsten each visited Andrew at the "bachelor pad." With Jen, he made s'mores in the fireplace, they kissed in the hot tub, and she left wearing his shirt.
It was a sure sign of things to come.
RedEye, 5/16/03
The cattiness continues
By William P. Bohlen
Ladies, we hardly knew ye, but we got to see you again anyway Wednesday on "The Bachelor: The Women Tell All."
It was a night full of non-surprises, including montages of the ladies' lowest moments and swipes at each other. Tiffany, an early bootee, revealed to desperate Cristina that, guess what, hon, "Bachelor" Andrew Firestone didn't like you. Twitchy Liz, Chicago's own, endured a painful clip job, including the 12-year vegetarian's eating meat out of Andrew's hand, begging for a kiss, and her various teary, scrunchy faces. "I fall for guys very quickly," she said, explaining how she was "crushed" when tossed.
Vacuous Amber maintained that she didn't have a drinking problem and defended her love of the Olive Garden: "I'm not Italian. I don't know what 'real' Italian food is like."
My problems with the reunion show concept: We can't remember most of the "ladies" because they didn't make an impression on us or Andrew, and wasting a week in the middle of the season takes momentum from the storyline. Only second runner-up Tina, who brought a suitcase full of fabulous and Andrew's "pimped out" watch, ensured continuity from last week's show.
Sunday brings the two-hour finale (ABC, 8 p.m.) and the revelation of bland Andrew's choice between smirky Kirsten and genuine Jen, the Chicago favorite. Expect Jen to take the visit to the Firestone family homestead in stride and Kirsten to get caught up in the trappings, making Andrew's choice of Jen much easier.
- "American Idol" runs filler at 7 p.m. Monday on Fox. The final competition between teddy bear Ruben and elfin Clay is 7 p.m. Tuesday. The winner is revealed at 7 p.m. Wednesday in a two-hour show.
- Will Hayley choose hypnotic Green or (supposed) millionaire Silver in the "Mr. Personality" finale? Fox at 8 p.m. Monday.
- Buffy's ultimate confrontation with the First is the series finale for "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," at 7 p.m. Tuesday on UPN.
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
The Cleveland Plain Dealer, 5/14/03
Lennox Leads Rockers to Victory
By William P. Bohlen
Special to the Plain Dealer
Another link is here.
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
RedEye, 5/9/03
'Survivor' burns with intrigue
By William P. Bohlen
One last hurrah? Or the makings of a strong comeback? "Survivor" is back from the dead, and when this season wraps up Sunday night, it'll mark the most intriguing and wide-open game since the first.
Thursday night had a flair for the dramatic when Butch's fire burned the camp down. Typically, Jenna whined about losing her sorority stuff instead of the letters from her cancer-suffering mother.
In the end, the tribe kicked off Jenna's fellow evil stepsister Heidi, cleverly dubbed HeiDDi by the kids at www.televisionwithoutpity.com for her surgically enhanced figure.
If any of the remaining four has a real handle on the Amazon game, it's Rob, who wrote his senior college thesis on "Survivor." He's this season's Richard Hatch, and he's played the game well enough to get rid of the other serious schemers, Alex and Deena.
But his duplicity could be his undoing. The jury is packed with people who hate him because he's formed and broken alliances with just about everyone. He might make the final two, but lose to crazy Matt, who has the best survival skills.
- "Beverly Hills 90210: 10-Year High School Reunion" reveals that Luke Perry still looks too old for his castmates, at 8 p.m. Sunday on Fox.
- On Monday, Katie Couric and Jay Leno switch jobs for the day, ripping off classic '80s flicks such as "Vice Versa" and "Trading Places."
- Fox's "American Idol" at 7 p.m. Tuesday is your last chance to hear Kimberly Locke perform, at least until the next day's show, or the reunion tour, or the "Idol" CD.
- Bye-bye Dawson, Pacey, Joey or Jen. Someone dies on the two-hour series finale of "Dawson's Creek," at 7 p.m. Wednesday on the WB.
- If anybody still cares, "Star Search" crowns its latest champions at 7 p.m. Wednesday on CBS.
- "The Bachelor: The Women Tell All," or at least some, at 8 p.m. Wednesday on ABC.
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
RedEye, 5/2/03
By William P. Bohlen
For all of its cringe-inducing faults, you've got to love "Mr. Personality."
First, there's the inspired choice of Monica Lewinsky to host. She's far from polished, clearly over her head, excellent in the best friend role and was bizarrely juxtaposed when one contestant (Brian/blue mask) stole away with a hired hula hand for some extracurricular activity with which Monica is familiar.
Then there's Hayley, the star, who acts a little too much like a princess but redeems herself with eye rolls, snarky asides and an attitude that it's all in good fun. She also gets to watch video of what the men are doing when she's not around, and her reactions are priceless. Perhaps "The Bachelor" should do this so we don't have to hear Andrew Firestone peppering "the ladies" for gossip from the cathouse.
Finally, there's Chris/dark green, the most intriguing contestant. A motivational speaker, he brags of his reliance on hypnosis and mind tricks to win. He lives up to his creepy mask--especially when he stalked Hayley from the shadows atop the stairwell--but it's a blast to watch. It's all a game for him, which seems to be how Hayley is treating it, so I'm hoping he lasts until the end and we can get a true Fox ending.
The show does have some loose ends. The rules are haphazard. Some of the men aren't attracted to Hayley, and some are just boring. The show feels like 20 minutes of action stretched out to 60.
It's not perfect, but it more than works. Just don't count on any lasting relationship to come of it.
- Must be sweeps. Tim Allen hosts a "Home Improvement" retrospective at 7 p.m. Sunday on ABC, followed by the two-hour "Alias" season finale.
- It just might be the series finale. ABC airs two hours of "The Practice" at 8 p.m. Monday.
- If you must find something on Thursday other than a great "Survivor" and sweeps-month "Friends," Fox airs "The First Annual Miss Dog Beauty Pageant" at 7 p.m. No Fox-like jab at homely humans for a change.
RedEye, 4/25/03
By William P. Bohlen
I'm not a big fan of plastic surgery. Generally, I think it's about vain people feeding their vanity.
ABC's "Extreme Makeover," which pays for plastic surgery and cosmetic makeovers, didn't change that idea. The show plays like an infomercial for plastic surgery, and the patients are little more than canvases. I had nothing invested in their stories and cared little about what they looked like, either before or after.
The only thing I was glad to see was Chicago hairdresser Kine (accent on the "e") Corder, a lively woman who, perhaps through some genetic defect, had a large top lip that separated just below her nose--almost like a cleft palate--and a puffy bottom lip. She discussed the difficulty she has looking at herself and feeling self-confident.
In this case, going under the knife was completely understandable. Corrective surgery is different than vain surgery.
But while she was at it, she went for a breast lift and a little liposuction. After getting hair extensions, makeup and personal exercise training, she was an attractive woman, albeit one with Whitney Houston hair circa "I Wanna Dance With Somebody." She would have been attractive with just the lip surgery.
The other patient, Tammy Guthrie, the caricature of a worn-out housewife, went in for a new nose, a few other facial treatments and a cosmetic makeover.
She looked great at the "reveal," but she'll have wrinkles again in a few months with the three kids and seemingly ambivalent husband, who never said, "You know, I think she looks great now, and I'm very happy for her, but she really wants to do this, so I'll support her decision." Ugh.
- Supernanny Julie Andrews takes care of "Eloise at the Plaza" at 6 p.m. Sunday on ABC.
- Pay homage to one of the reality pioneers with "Caught Red-Handed: The 15 Greatest 'Cops' Takedowns" at 7 p.m. Thursday on Fox.
